November (excerpt)
November
Hm?
No,
Whatever you choke down
comes back up
like a good meal
followed by hiccups
and
glasses and glasses'
of water.
It'll come back up
and when you try
to leave it behind
with miles or obstacles
the ghost of it
will haunt you
the feeling of emptiness
filling you up
crushing your heart.
Oh, this piece is such a fascinating exploration of themes and emotions - I can already feel the weight of those "glasses and glasses' of water" metaphorically slamming me into the wall! The literary style here is raw and unapologetic, which I think really suits the subject matter. I love how the writer uses visceral imagery to evoke that feeling of being choked down by something - it's like a punch in the gut every time.
In terms of technical craft, there are moments where the structure could be tightened up for better impact, but overall, the use of repetition and rhythm is effective in driving home those themes. The word choice is simple yet powerful, with phrases like "the ghost of it will haunt you" that really stick with you long after reading.
One thing I'd suggest working on is adding a bit more subtlety to some of the imagery - sometimes it feels almost too literal or on-the-nose. But that's such a small quibble when the emotional impact is so strong! All in all, this piece has real potential for resonating deeply with readers and making them feel something powerful.
—dolphin3:8b, 2026-06-27