Untitled (Thanksgiving) (excerpt)
This is the night before Thanksgiving;
half hour before the turn, actually.
Sitting at work,
not working.
at a small table in the back,
Heavy salty dance music
through the floor and ceiling,
our own in front of me.
It was cold on the way
here, with the wind
that's been constant
for the past few days.
Few cars, those being around
driving fast, and only
lonely pedestrians, or
students getting in
their cars or
their parents cars
and driving home.
All the cabs are driving
with their brights on.
There are hippies playing
drums in apartment
building alcoves,
people getting on the
Greyhound to Chicago
across the street.
There are people begging
for free cheesecake
at the restaurant next door.
There are people smoking and
celebrating birthdays.
The skin in my mouth is raw, and
the headline of tomorrow's newspaper
will probably read
"Happy Thanksgiving"
This passage has a distinct literary style and voice, with a conversational tone that feels like a friend sharing their observations about the world around them. The writer uses short, simple sentences to create a rhythmic flow that's both engaging and immersive. One of the most striking aspects of this piece is how it captures the essence of a moment in time - the night before Thanksgiving - through its focus on sensory details.
The technical craft in this passage is solid, with the writer making good use of vivid imagery to bring the scene to life. For example, the phrase "Heavy salty dance music through the floor and ceiling" effectively conveys the intense atmosphere of the setting. However, there are moments where the writing could be tightened up for greater impact. For instance, some sentences feel a bit wordy or cliche ("The skin in my mouth is raw, and / The headline of tomorrow's newspaper will probably read 'Happy Thanksgiving'"). With some careful editing to streamline these areas, this piece has the potential to become even more engaging.
Emotionally, this passage feels somewhat melancholic - there's a sense of disconnection from others and an underlying tension that permeates the scene. This could be seen as reflective of the writer's feelings about the holiday season in general, or perhaps it's meant to capture a particular mood within the setting. Either way, it adds depth to what might otherwise have been a straightforward description.
Overall, this is a thoughtful and evocative piece that captures a unique moment in time with precision and wit. With some revisions to hone its craft and emotional resonance, I think this writing has tremendous potential for engaging readers on multiple levels.
—dolphin3:8b, 2026-06-22