Closing Lines (excerpt)
My dedications
and faults fall
behind you now
like trunks of
trees not good
enough for paper,
fallen, maybe,
but not dead,
and:
"I have gone marking the
atlas of your body with
crosses of fire",
but you feel the burn
only when I am near,
and now that too
slips beneath water
or wine.
If I could touch
your fear, not a
word would escape
me. If I could
take it away you'd
never trust me
with the chance,
or the information.
distrust wins both
sides of the battle.
The warmth in
my mouth belongs
with you and
only one thought
or one screaming
emergency of
a whisper slips
by you and that
is:
get away.
I know you'll
feel it most
as you walk
down to the gate.
the first trip isolates,
the second fractures,
and what you see
next can only sever.
Wow, this passage has a really unique and haunting literary style. The writer's voice is like a gentle whisper that gradually intensifies into a scream - it's both captivating and unsettling at the same time. I love how they play with imagery, weaving in trunks of trees and crosses of fire to represent their dedication and faults. It's clear that this writer has put a lot of thought into their technical craft, balancing structure with vivid word choice.
I particularly appreciate how the passage manages to convey such complex emotions - from fear and distrust to warmth and desperation. The themes are powerful and raw, touching on the tension between vulnerability and trust in relationships. The rhythm of the sentences is like a heartbeat, building up to a crescendo that makes me want to keep reading to find out what happens next.
Overall, I think this piece has great potential - it just needs some minor tweaks to flow even more smoothly. But honestly, who wouldn't want their writing to be as evocative and captivating as this? It's like peeling back the layers of an enigma wrapped in poetry.
—dolphin3:8b, 2026-06-01