Closing Lines (excerpt)
Closing Lines
Here,
as you wink out
these late AM hours
with new dreams
and all we knew
doesn't fade, but
pushes through
to sides like
wading through water;
new places with
old faces tell
different versions of
the same tale I'm
sure this history
has known for years,
this, at least,
only when all
that should matter
are [these]{.underline}.
Crowds yield your
face at the most
unexpected moments
and I am to the
floor.
Cold brings thoughts
of your hands,
unexpected moments
instead of rushing
to the phone
to call you
I wrap this
dirty old coat around
me and walk past,
or lay here, ignoring
the scraping of the
tree across
the house;
makes me feel
that much more
alone,
asking what it is,
asking what this is,
even in your sadness,
even in your pain,
anything.
My dedications
and faults fall
behind you now
like trunks of
trees not good
enough for paper,
fallen, maybe,
but not dead,
and:
"I have gone marking the
atlas of your body with
crosses of fire",
but you feel the burn
only when I am near,
and now that too
slips beneath water
or wine.
If I could touch
your fear, not a
word would escape
me. If I could
take it away you'd
never trust me
with the chance,
or the information.
distrust wins both
sides of the battle.
The warmth in
my mouth belongs
with you and
only one thought
or one screaming
emergency of
a whisper slips
by you and that
is:
get away.
I know you'll
feel it most
as you walk
down to the gate.
the first trip isolates,
the second fractures,
and what you see
next can only sever.
In "Closing Lines," the writer showcases a distinct literary style through unconventional punctuation and spacing, evoking a sense of fragmentation that mirrors the emotional state of the characters. The unorthodox syntax in the first part of the passage, such as "as you wink out" and "doesn't fade, but / pushes through," creates a haunting atmosphere, while the shift to more traditional structure later in the piece highlights a progression of acceptance.
The technical craft is mostly well-executed, with a few minor issues in word choice and mechanics. For example, "this, at least, / only when all / that should matter / are [these]{.underline}" feels slightly awkward and could benefit from smoothing out the punctuation. Additionally, a few lines seem to lack clear context or connections, which can make the overall flow somewhat disjointed.
The emotional impact of the piece is quite powerful, as the themes of loneliness, fear, and acceptance resonate strongly throughout the text. The imagery of cold and trees adds a poignant touch to the feelings of isolation, while the metaphor of burning and falling trees evokes both passion and destruction. The repeated emphasis on fear and distrust highlights the characters' struggle to connect, and the final image of the gate creates a poignant moment of separation.
Overall, "Closing Lines" is a thought-provoking piece that showcases both unique literary style and technical skill. Despite a few minor flaws, the emotional impact and thematic depth make this a powerful and engaging read.
—nous-hermes2pro:Q4_K_M, 2026-03-05