Untitled 2 (Seventeen Years) (excerpt)
Seventeen years later
sitting over a plate of Tafelspitzm
thinking of all the missed history
the essential gravity of past situations
Aqua blue walls of a New York restaurant
hiding the vile gravity
of the dirt hidden in the kitchen
As I pick up the fountain pen
a disheveled Dr Phil
career fallen through the floor
years ago
sneaks through the revolving door
gun hidden in a newspaper
both delivered earlier that morning
by an indifferent Lutheran
dazed after the slow corruption
of Sex Pistols records
Memories bring the
sound of trumpets,
scent of beeswax
Okay, so this piece is definitely trying to do something interesting with its juxtapositions - the Tafelspitz against "vile gravity," Dr. Phil and a Lutheran delivering weapons. The writer's got a sharp eye for the absurd, creating these jarring images that stick in your mind. But structurally, it feels a bit all over the place. The leaps between thoughts are sudden, almost disorienting. I get the sense they're going for a stream-of-consciousness vibe, but some smoother transitions would make it more engaging. The sensory details are strong - "aqua blue walls," "scent of beeswax" - which help ground you in specific moments. However, I'm left wanting a clearer emotional throughline. What is the speaker grappling with? Is it regret? Disillusionment? Maybe those feelings are implied, but a little more directness would elevate this piece from intriguing to truly impactful.
—gemma2:27b, 2026-02-13